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I Still Love My Ex: What to Do If You Feel This Way

Candis McDow is from Atlanta, GA, and has been a mental health advocate since 2014. She has lived experience and charges to bring awareness to the oblivious and provide hope to peers.

essay my ex

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Loving an Ex Is Normal

How to get over an ex, finding closure.

Have you ever found yourself thinking, "I still love my ex?" It isn't uncommon to still love and have strong feelings for your ex-spouse or partner. Love is often a rollercoaster of emotions and instances that no one can either predict or control. The feelings you had can still linger, even after the relationship has ended.

If you still have feelings for an ex and/or still love an ex, don't feel shame. You are not alone, many people struggle to get over an ex and it may take a while because every relationship is different. Read along to get tips and encouragement on how to move forward during this difficult time.

If you still carry affection for a former partner, you might find yourself wondering if it's okay to still love your ex. As great as it would be to erase an ex out of your memory once the relationship ends, unfortunately, that's not possible. The love you once shared for your ex just doesn't fade away overnight, and that's something you have to be patient with yourself about.

Reasons you might still feel like you love your ex include:

Studies show that, when relationships end, people may deal with depression, PTSD, anxiety, and other mental health issues. So, it's understandable that you may have a tough time healing.

Despite the many issues that arise after a breakup, it's still important to make the effort to prioritize your own needs .

"If you still love an ex, that is normal and OK. It just means that you are processing the many emotions that come with being in a relationship," says Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Psychologist, and  Hope for Depression Research Foundation 's Media Advisor.

Of course, it may feel as though your entire world is over. Those strong feelings that are omnipresent now won't last forever, and one day you'll look back and hopefully be grateful for the change that the breakup brought about for you.

If you've recently gotten out of a relationship or you realized that you're not completely over a former flame, below are some tips that can help you move on.

What should you do if you still love your ex?

Distract Yourself

An idle mind is especially damaging to a broken heart. If you're sitting at home thinking of your ex and all of the memories you've shared, you are setting yourself up for failure. However, if you keep busy, the time will pass, the day will move quicker, and the emotions will go along as well.

Although keeping busy is important, Lira de la Rosa cautions that if you're constantly busy, you won't have the time to really process your emotions. And, not processing the emotions can affect how you cope with loss in the future. So, while staying busy is a good thing, remember to allow yourself to feel your emotions.

Delete Your Ex Entirely

Delete your ex from your life completely. That entails their phone number, address, all social media platforms, family, friends, mutual acquaintances, and anything that attaches you to your ex.

Hanging on to things that constantly remind you of your ex will only stifle your growth. If you truly want to get over your ex, you have to cut them completely out of your life. Fair warning, it will be hard, but mending your heart is the overall goal.

Stay Away From Social Media

If you still love your ex, social media is not going to be helpful. You will only torture yourself if you scroll through your platforms. Just imagine your ex popping up on your timeline and they've just posted something with a new friend. Instantly your day is ruined.

Because you're in a vulnerable state, it'll be easy for you to compare your life to friends and online friends you've never even met.

Moreover, frequent social media usage has been linked to depression . So, delete your ex and do your best to stay off of social platforms as you process your emotions and focus on your healing.

Prioritize Self-Care

Long gone are the judgmental days of frowning on solo dates and sitting alone for lunch. So, treat yourself to a day of pampering or take yourself out on a date.

Enjoy yourself and learn to get used to your own company. After all, if you can't love yourself, how do you expect to move on and allow someone new to love you?

Don't Rush the Process

Falling in love can sometimes be a task and other times it comes at you fast and unexpectedly. However, with breakups , the process of getting over someone can feel like the end of the world.

Don't rush the process by trying to jump into another relationship. In fact, bringing someone new into your mess of emotions is the worst possible thing to do. Feel those emotions and work through them before trying to date again.

Talk It Out

Therapy isn't taboo anymore. You can talk to a professional in person, on video chat , on the phone, and through text message. Technology has made it possible for convenience to accommodate every aspect of life.

If you're still not intrigued by telling a complete stranger all of your business, you should consider talking to family members or a close friend about how you're feeling. Talking it out will release those emotions and give you clarity and closure.

Don't bottle those emotions or try to be "strong." You are human and you have the right to express yourself.

Ultimately closure is always the goal at the end of every relationship . Unfortunately, in most cases, we never receive closure; you either have to accept what is or find closure on your own.

Write a Letter

Therapists often recommend writing a letter as a way to deal with your emotions following a breakup or another painful event.

Counseling therapist Myriame Lyons, MA, RCC, CCC , recommends that her clients write a "Goodbye Letter." In this letter, Lyon asks patients to answer the following questions:

Lyon believes this exercise gives you an opportunity to share what has been left unsaid. Another perk to this form of closure is that you don’t need to share the letter with your ex to get the full benefits of writing all of this out. Figuring out these answers for yourself can be enough of a release to move forward.

During this time it's important to encourage yourself and realize that you matter. Don't get lost in grief and forget about your worth and significance in the world. Sure, it hurts to still love someone that is no longer a partner, but the world is still within your grasp. If you find that you're still having a hard time letting go, don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional.

A Word From Verywell

In a perfect world, we'd all be able to erase the memory of an ex. Unfortunately, we aren't granted that luxury. Dealing with the emotions that come with a loss is imperative. The cure to getting over an ex that you love is living. It's OK to remember the memories (good and bad), crying is a part of that journey, and being sad is inevitable, but feeling that pain is what will eventually get you to the other side.

If you are still struggling with feelings of love, sadness, grief, or anger long after the relationship has ended, consider talking to a mental health professional. They can help you process your experience and find ways to move on with your life.

Kansky J, Allen JP. Making sense and moving on: The potential for individual and interpersonal growth following emerging adult breakups .  Emerg Adulthood . 2018;6(3):172-190. doi:10.1177/2167696817711766

Shensa A, Sidani JE, Dew MA, Escobar-Viera CG, Primack BA. Social media use and depression and anxiety symptoms: A cluster analysis .  Am J Health Behav . 2018;42(2):116-128. doi:10.5993/AJHB.42.2.11

By Candis McDow Candis has been a mental health advocate since 2014. She has written several articles about mental illness, and her memoir Half the Battle (available on Amazon and candisymcdow.com) encompasses her journey of living with bipolar disorder.

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How to Write the Perfect Letter to my Ex

When a couple splits up after months of living together, one can experience a deep sense of sadness that feels like mourning a loss. Don’t be ashamed of being so hurt. Millions of people have gone through this and unfortunately millions still will.

There are breakups every day but you can reverse the trend and rebuild your relationship as well! How? By using tried and true techniques that have already helped thousands of men and women get back together with their better half.

In order to get over a breakup and get back in touch with your ex and hear from them, sometimes you need to temporarily take some distance. It can be the best way to ensure that you’ll have real and constructive exchanges in the future. It should be noted that it’s not always easy to organize a meet up with an ex.

Luckily in this day and age you have tools available to you; which means that you could still converse even if it’s not face to face. As you’ve understood, in this article I’m going to explain to you how to communicate with your ex well even if it’s not in person. You can write the perfect letter to an ex in order to drastically increase your chances of getting back together and finally get the answer to the question that you’ve being asking yourself over the last few days or weeks: how do I make my ex want me back !

Know that you can  reach out to me privately in order for us to work together to get back with the one you love!

In a lot of cases when people are looking to get back together with their ex; getting back in touch is done at a distance. I am not only talking about how to get the person you love to come back to you. Some of the men and women that are reading this article aren’t necessarily trying to convince their ex to take them back.

They’d just like to learn the best way to act with an ex after a breakup. Others want nothing more than to get back together but are having a tough time doing so because of distance. So in any case you’re going to have to understand certain techniques and avoid rushing things.

70 Pro Tips To Get Him Back

The complete step by step guide to get back together with an ex! After a breakup, you feel awful and completely lost. Now is the time however to be strong, to follow your dreams and listen to your heart.

Writing to your ex should be done carefully because if not it could backfire. This is why it’s imperative to follow a precise method so that the situation doesn’t get worse. The words you use and the way you present what you have to say are going to play a crucial part in changing the course of events.

Discover in which situations it’s appropriate for you to write to your ex, and how you should go about it in order to communicate with the person that you still love the right way!

What is a letter to an ex?

If you want to know how to be successful in your attempt at getting back together; and to avoid making mistakes, and especially how to write the perfect letter to move your ex, you’re going to need to know what exactly that entails and what you’re going to have to do.

Before we continue, I’d like to draw your attention to the fact that this isn’t a letter to get back together . In fact, a lot of people think that it’s enough to write “I miss you” or “I love you” over and over in different ways in order to get a reaction from the person they love.

In reality, the goal isn’t to divulge all of your feelings and to make yourself look needy and weak. You’re going to have to analyze your relationship, the breakup, and the reasons behind why you’re in this situation today.

It isn’t the time yet to talk about your emotions because you’re clearly already aware of them and they haven’t helped you get anywhere. So change your strategy and respect the precise steps that have been provided to you by an expert (not by your best friend, or your mom, or your colleagues!)

Why writing a perfect letter could help you get back together with your ex?

It’s not always easy to organize a face to face meet up with an ex after a breakup or even to talk on the phone without making mistakes during the course of conversation. The letter is therefore the perfect compromise between the distance your ex needs and the actions you have to set in place to slowly start to win them back.

Now this doesn’t mean that you’re going to allow time to do the work for you because you know that waiting around with your arms crossed isn’t going to fix anything.

It’s essential for your future well-being that you take control of the situation and take action. If you don’t know where to start, you’ll have to first pinpoint where you are in the process.

In our eBook, that you can download here, “70 Pro Tips To Get Back With Your Ex” I outline different situations in which you can find yourself. There are also 3 examples of perfect letters that are ready to be sent; or that you can adapt to your story. By using those, you’ll be putting the odds in your favor!

Switching your focus to something else after a breakup and forgetting the conflict and everything that happened is never that easy. By using the technique of writing a letter to your ex, you’re going to give yourself the time to think. Let’s take a simple example. If you’re on the phone and you can’t find the right words or your not getting your point across…

You’re not going to be one of those people that send a million text messages that make no sense, hoping for an answer. You won’t get anywhere by doing this. Instead you should be using one of the more viable solutions for getting back together with an ex . Please don’t think that by sending this letter that your ex is going to be banging on your door tomorrow morning to profess their love for you! Your job isn’t done and there’s still a bit to do before you reach your goal.

When should you write to your ex?

Before you can answer this question, you’ll have to figure out where you stand. There are two possible cases. You could either look to move on and not want to give it another try, or you could be looking to give your relationship a second chance. You see how important it is to distinguish between these two “categories” if you want your analysis to be as thorough as possible.

If you find yourself in the first case and you’re trying to simply move on you obviously shouldn’t reach out to your ex. It wouldn’t be considered a radio silence because you wouldn’t be doing it with the hope of getting back together. You need to rebuild yourself and spend time with your loved ones so that you keep you protect yourself from falling into a state of depression.

Once you’ve done so, and if you feel ready, you can get back in touch with your ex in order to ease tensions without shutting them out of your life forever.

When you approach your ex in the depths of despair, sadness, or in anger, you will risk committing some of the “don’ts” of getting back together (such as begging or insulting); that’s exactly what you should never do!

In either situation you should only reach out to your ex once you’ve bounced back from the breakup and only when your gut tells you to do so. The timing around when to send this letter is really important; and it will depend on your relationship. Generally speaking you shouldn’t send a letter right away in order not to decrease your chances of success.

Keeping a good rapport with your ex is a must!

Once again I’m basing this on the two outcomes that you could want in regards to your ex. In any case it’s essential to not create conflict. I’m not saying that you should jump into the friend-zone if that’s not your goal, or to force you to talk to your ex every day if you don’t want to.

Nevertheless, there are situations in which you aren’t going to be able to disappear and avoid ever speaking again. For example when you have children together, you won’t be able to only think about your relationship. Your children’s happiness is paramount. On top of writing to your ex, you’re going to have to speak and find a way to establish a positive rapport.

But it’s not only for your children’s sake that you should be on good terms. It’s the same thing if you live together, if you have investments together, if you have to be together in court…

When you want to get back together with your ex you can’t be at odds or in bad terms. Even if there’s sadness and bitterness, you’re going to have to rebuild affinity. As I often say, before you can be intimate or say “I love you,” you’re going to have to rekindle the flame. This is only possible if there’s proper dialogue between you.

Eventually of course you’ll tackle the things that hold you back from being together. It’s not going to be just small talk when you meet up or talk on the phone.

Don’t rush to get in touch with your ex

The key to reestablishing dialogue with your ex is timing . You’re definitely going to have to take the time to prepare your actions and the moment in which you’re going to set them in motion. Above all, and I really insist on this point, you should never rush things or else you’ll risk being blinded by emotion.

Communication after a breakup shouldn’t go around and around in circles. I am talking specifically to those of you that are hoping to get a second chance. Talking for hours about things that aren’t helping you move forward shouldn’t be a part of your attempt at getting back together.

You’ll create a harmful routine and your ex won’t really want to communicate with you.

If you’d like to have a powerful exchange and avoid making mistakes, I invite you to read and use these 3 examples of letters and to follow my guidelines that are explained in our eBook . You can adapt them to your story and get a response from your ex. This is a great way to make an impression that is also going to be very effective in the process of getting back together.

What happens after you send the letter?

As I just explained, writing a letter to your ex is not an end it itself, it doesn’t mean that your job is done. The person you want back isn’t going to just magically jump back into your arms.

If you’ve followed my advice and therefore started working on the process of getting back together , change will come. You’re going to have to respect these rules and steps if you don’t want your ex to wave this letter in your face telling you that nothing has changed!

These things should actually be set in place before you write any letters so that you ex will be able to sense that improvements have been made; and so that you avoid being too “emotional” in your messages.

It’s important that you understand that your ex doesn’t want to fight with you. You’re sharing a past, memories, perhaps even children; so you shouldn’t be afraid to make the first step to save your relationship . This doesn’t mean that you should beg and plead.

You’ll have to use a method that helps can help you to lift your head back up, and our relationship experts’ letter method will do just that and ultimately change your relationship.

Your coach when looking to writing a perfect letter to an ex.

Best regards,

Life Coach, Motivational Speaker & Relationship Expert

I Know We Are Meant To Be!

Bonus: 3 advanced strategies that will turn you into a Human Relationships Expert and give you the tools to get back with the one you love... for good!

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My Ex-Best Friend

Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. (431 words) When you think about your past, there’s always one person who sticks out, who shines more than the rest.  With memories so clear, one may feel like she’s in reality.  Those are the memories that haunt me, just like everyone, I had a best friend. We bought friendship necklaces, mocked actors in movies, yelled at video games, and held each others’ hand.  To any onlooker, we looked like sisters, twins almost. She taught me how to feel confident when I was in fifth grade trying out for a solo in the school’s Christmas program. I didn’t get it, but somehow I was okay that I didn’t, I was proud for even trying. My twin helped me through sixth grade when I was bullied by a group of girls, the bullying was so bad that I stopped eating and was diagnosed with a pre ulcer.  She talked some sense into me and I deflected the snood remarks, slowly, I became healthy again.  The girl by my side was named Alexis, but she preferred Ali. She was my rock and I was hers. Seventh grade started and so did the bullying, but this time it was one of my friends. Constant stabs with words and hands rekindled my old habit. Ali noticed, and again, she helped me out of it.  Eighth grade came and went with boy drama and broken hearts. The end of ninth grade almost killed me, after nine years she threw away our friendship. I blame it on her, but I know I had a part in it too, I didn’t try to stop her or work things out.  Miscommunication cut the bond between us in half; Ali was okay and I was miserable. My rock grew legs and moved on, leaving me behind to welcome the darkness. Over the summer, all I wore was depression. I was by myself trying to figure out the world, burnt with intimidation. The nagging sadness made me feel alone and unwanted, it wasn’t until the fall of my sophomore year that I started fighting it. Everything Ali taught me, I put to use: believe in yourself, stay positive, you’re worth it, you’re unique and beautiful, and you’re strong enough to conquer every challenge God gives you. To this day, I’m still fighting my demon but I’m happy with my life, my friends, and my family. I’m growing stronger every day and everyone can see it. Ali has had a significant influence in my life and I can’t thank her enough for being my biggest fan, my teacher, my therapist, and my best friend.

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essay my ex


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I’ve been thinking about my then-girlfriend recently. She’s not my girlfriend now, of course, but she was then. Then was a different time, when children frolicked in the pastures and lambs gamboled, too, although neither children nor lambs were mine. Come to think of it, neither were the pastures, but things were freer then, you could walk through the countryside without owning it, without worrying about someone with a shotgun chasing you away, making you move at a much faster pace than a mere gambol. So you begin to see why in thinking about my then-girlfriend, with whom I had so many fond memories, I have begun to feel a little nostalgic. “My then-girlfriend.” It rolls trippingly off the tongue, doesn’t it? My. Then. Girlfriend. Of course, back then, the concept of “my then-girlfriend” had never even occurred to me, wasn’t even in the realm of possibility. There was no then-ness to my existence then, or to hers. We were now. It is etern... ... middle of paper ... ...nds over the years. But the good thing about that, come to think of it, is that even if she’s obese by now, my then-girlfriend is not. And never will be. My then-girlfriend exists only in our memories and will exist only the way she was then. That’s one of the things that keep me going. I look down at the scar on my right knee, where that dangerously jagged rock got me that afternoon so many years ago, and I think about her. My then-girlfriend. Perfect, or close enough.

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    An open letter to my ex boyfriend who i still love I’m writing to you because… well, it’s like I’m talking to someone… it’s like I’m talking to you for real… I can’t move on after our love, my love. It’s still very present and one year later, I have the feeling it will always be.

  5. My Ex-Girlfriend

    In this essay, the author Narrates how they've been thinking about their then-girlfriend recently. she's not my girlfriend now, but she was when... Opines that the concept of "my then-girlfriend" had never even occurred to them, wasn't even in the realm of possibility. Opines that the green of their ...